Bleak House

Looking back at some reflections I had in August 2009 but never published.



"Hearts are worn in these dark ages... Night has fallen among the living and the dying..."
    lyric from Words on Fire, Sarah McLachlan
"Cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind."
   lyric from Answer, by Sarah McLachlan


Things are tough all over. And I really have no idea. People caught up in themselves. Distracted by the unimportant and petty. The downright trivial. We surround ourselves with sounds, noise to shut out the sound of our own conscience. We look for others to confirm us in our self-centered, self-gratifying pursuits. Denial and self-sacrifice are foolish concepts, with little meaning for those who wish to find their way to the top of something they don't understand.

Behind all the clamoring is pain. Painful isolation. Painful misgivings. Painful, mournful, loneliness. Painful guilt.

It could be ruinous to pause, to stop, to be quiet, to listen, to listen again.

Today I saw several people who have undergone a difficult treatment for cancer. They can't work because they are not healthy enough to be in a workplace around other people. I saw a man and his wife who were frustrated that, although they woke early and drove several miles to an appointment, part of their appointment was cancelled because they got stuck in traffic, and his blood counts aren't healthy enough to have the treatment that might make him better. He had to hear from 3 different sources that if he had arrived on time, things might have been different. The implication was that he should have gotten here on time. And I suppose he should have. But maybe fatigue, fear, and a lack of confidence that it would do any good, kept him from meeting our expectations. So he heard about his failure to be on time from those who are supposed to care, and supposed to heal.

I saw a woman who has pain in her eyes that she described as shards of metal scratching every time she blinks. She is taking strong pain medicines that do not make the pain go away and only help a little.

I saw a woman who has lost 10 more pounds in a short period of time despite her efforts to eat. She was so fatigued and is feeling really badly.

I saw a woman who has new symptoms, and is worried that after breast cancer followed by leukemia she may have yet another serious medical problem. She has children that she is trying to get ready for school this fall. She is trying to get children ready not just for school, but possibly for life without her...

I saw a 26 year old man whose leukemia has resisted all our treatments and is progressing despite our best efforts. There are areas all over on his most recent tests that light up with cancer: in his liver, abdomen, leg, arm, neck, head, and eye. He began having new pain last night in his shoulder. Pain that is much worse than any he's had recently... a bad sign. He weighs 45kg and is 5'10". He has graft versus host disease in his skin causing areas of inflammation, along with severely dry and flaky areas that increase his risk for infection.  The soles of his feet are so tender he can't walk on them. He can't get comfortable because his shoulder is hurting him. A heated flannel blanket helps a little. We review things, the very few options that he has, and the risks they pose to his already very fragile state. He is a nice kid. A really nice kid. His mother is with him. She is quiet. He has been very independent, managing his treatment and appointments like a real man. She is with him because he can't drive now.

So when you ask me how I am, I may be a little tired. But I am fine. I am better than fine. I am fantastic. I have every reason to believe I will be fantastic tomorrow, too. And so is my family.

So let me ask you. How are *you*?

Perspective

Blackbirds perch along the roofline of this vine covered barn. From there they see the landscape from a different perspective than I do. They see the cattails and tractors, but from their position, they see the locations of things with better understanding and clarity, while I rely on my very limited depth perception.

It was a beautiful morning when I awoke on Saturday, and I lay in bed admiring the sunshine that filtered through the curtains. The sun was still low in the sky.

I was filled with contentment after a great evening the night before with my daughter, who was visiting from the west coast. Dinner at our local favorite restaurant, followed by a movie, and then coffee shop conversation. So many miles melt away. Being together allows us to do simple tasks, and have conversations about both the mundane and meaningful.

The west coast is so very far away. You can't even see it from here! At least not clearly! Time with my family is the best. It is where I feel most myself, most at ease, and where I can explore ideas and gain so much from their learning, too. We are grateful that she made the effort to come back to Michigan to visit her sister and family. We know she has work and commitments far away. But being together is wonderful.

And if I position myself from a good vantage point, just the right vantage point, I can see we are not so far apart. Indeed.